Nothing could have prepared me for this as flying solo, litigant in person. I got there early, bag searched, charger plug taken off me and it was touch and go whether I’d keep my food because there was a spoon with it.

The room was cold . A prison cell without the bed and a bigger window.

My first shock was when her solicitor came in . I felt like I was trapped, pinned in, witness intimidation but this is normal. She wants to know what you agree on and then asks why you want what you want. Don’t tell them , wait for the judge. I felt I lost all my confidence after this interrogation and all the ‘well we will fight against you with that’ . As someone regularly bullied it is hard not to experience this interaction in those terms. Getting mocked for having no solicitor this was the worst part of the day actually.

In court as I was not represented their solicitor went first saying what she wants and why. Write stuff done, quote things which are wrong. I was shocked by the lies.

One of the best things I took with me was a clear timeline so I could quote back with dates when they claimed CAFCASS gave them surprises when I could give them dates to challenge that.

The magistrate does give you a chance to respond. You do have the floor and won’t get interrupted so speak your truth calmly free from accusations and evidence free assertions. For me I was clear I’m not a psychologist or qualified to make specific assessments but I can share what was disclosed to me.

I was keen to emphasise she is a god mum who tries to put the kids first to the best of her ability. One because it is true but again I want to deescalate, I never wanted to be in court. I was also clear that I didn’t have ‘contact’ before but an equal parent parenting my children daily. I was not being dismissed as a weekend dad from the outset

Miraculously the magistrate said this is too complex and beyond his authority to make orders and we needed a judge. There was one sitting who may take the case. Their solicitor managed to talk to the judge’s clerk and we got a hearing with judge an hour later . This is what you want and I know how lucky I am. This could take months. Rather than a magistrate with basic understanding of law and process we now had a Children Act expert .

The hearing with the judge an hour later was so different. I felt seen heard and validated for the first time by any professional. I had been wanting a fact find to provide evidence to deny the accusations made against me and make my own. This was pushed back against by her solicitor suggesting I would just damage her mental health.

The judge agreed a witness statement with limited examples and no need to respond to counter allegations at this point. A massive piece of work but for me a huge step towards the truth.

Finally if there are allegations flying do not expect any contact reinstated at this point . they will want a section 7 detailed report from social services first to be confident you are safe to see children.

Again I reiterated she is a good mum. Again I got a right to respond . However her brief had changed her tack after being challenged by me in magistrates claiming her client forgot. So I was sure to make sure the judge knew this had changed from an hour ago with the magistrate. And I would not have ‘forgot’ an allegation which made me gag when I read it, in your written allegations about me.

I went home a load lifted , palpably less stress. There is no getting away from this being off the scale stressful so clear your week balancing busy distractions and no responsibilities . I was not in a fit state to work.

As soon as you can write up notes on what happened and what was said . You will need this for round two.

…. The throw up and cry.

… then pray , again.

A C2 application ensured your paths don’t cross in court. You get separate waiting rooms, and a screen. it is common in cases with allegations of abuse .

I thought it was a bit dramatic and unnecessary at first. If we are going to be coparenting surely we need to talk at some point ? however that was before I had really processed how traumatising this whole thing is. I burst into tears most time I saw her – accidentally or not such is the grief I feel this does have mutual benefits.

Just another brick in the ‘heartbreaking wall’

I went out . I didn’t need to but I knew this day was the day . Exactly five days before the first hearing . I came home to find the letter on my door mat marked ‘private and confidential’.

It was a really hard read. The woman I love, who I share two children with, making allegations about me , firm in her conviction of who I am. It breaks me in ways I cannot describe how my best friend can destroy me, as if taking my children away wasn’t enough .

Curiously she is adamant she does not want a fact find; the only method to interrogate facts . She paints me as someone who would not follow any boundaries and would need an injunction to stop me coming to her house. I know why she fears a fact find. It will show the levels of abuse I have turned the other cheek to, backed up with pages of incriminating messages.

As the days count down to the hearing, sleep becomes a distant memory. Nothing can interrupt my fear and anxiety that in five days a judge will decide. A judge will decide whether to accept her perception backed up by worried professionals who have trusted and believed her and in her (but never spoken to me) . And crucially this judge may deny me the opportunity to prove both my innocence of her allegations and that she has been incredibly abusive and controlling.

Worst case scenario it is done and dusted . I never see those girls again and get confirmed in court as an abusive monster . Best case, I get a fact find and a pathway to seeing our children again after six months and one day.

Yet still I sit here, telling a stranger that I still love her and just wish I could have the stable healthy version of her back who was everything I ever dreamed of in a wife, mother and partner. But that person died two years ago, and took a huge part of me with her.